No, really.
Those of you who know me will already realise that my opening statement is true. Those of you that don't will definitely realise it by the time they have finished reading this.
I lace up my road running shoes, having ordered, but not yet received my trail shoes, and head towards the front room to stretch some life into my legs. Today's stretch, like every other one I do, is 'assisted' by the combined efforts of my 2 dogs. They attempt to sit on me, wash my ears, nibble my nose, and generally walk all over me as I sit on the floor.
"Geroff me!" I say, as Freddie attempts to sit on my lap, and Bailey sticks his tongue in my left ear hole. This only serves to excite them further, and I can add a good old tail whipping from both dogs to my warm up routine.
Warm up completed, and rather damp from dog drool, I drag myself up off the floor, and head into the kitchen.
"Bailey"
The sound of 4 pairs of paws struggling for purchase on the lino floor is followed by the sight of the boys scampering into the kitchen and around my feet.
"Sit".
Freddie immediately does as he is asked. Bailey.......doesn't. He grabs a Kong and scoots off around the kitchen in an orgy of excitement.
I wait. I haven't always been quite this patient with Bailey. As I have previously stated, Bailey has a very relaxed view to good manners and good behavior. It took me a while to realise that shouting at him made absolutely no difference whatsoever. Made him even more hyper in fact. So nowadays, I play the waiting game. It works. Eventually.
Gradually, his excitement wains, and Bailey casually wanders over to me and sits down, dropping the Kong on my foot as he sits.
I pat Freddie. "Good boy, you stay here". I put the lead on Bailey, the belt on me, grab the line and harness and head out the door.
We walk the half mile to where we will be away from the road, and I put the harness on Bailey, which he readily accepts, much to my surprise. This is only the second time I have put it on him, but he doesn't fight me at all. He approaches this latest adventure as he does pretty much everything new or old, with much excitement, tail wagging and bounce.
I attach the line to him and remove his lead, tucking it into my running jacket pocket. I double check we are attached, take a quick photo, and take a deep breath.
"Go on then, good boy!"
Bailey takes off. Literally. Vertically. Just as well. If he'd have put that much force into horizontal movement, I would have been having a little lie down on the path right now, cursing gently under my breath.
I continue jogging, with Bailey bouncing along beside me. I don't expect the bouncing to last too long, and after a few seconds he settles into a trot.
"Good boy!"
Bounce.
As before, Bailey trots beautifully to heal at my side. I grab the line to avoid it becoming a trip hazard for both of us. I wave my arms forward.
"Go Bailey, good boy!"
Bounce. Bounce.
"Go on, good boy".
Bailey pulls ahead.
"Good Boy". "Go on then!"
As the line tightens, I let it go. Bailey feels the line go tight and immediately slows, until he is along side me.
"Go on Bailey, Go!"
Again, he pulls forward, feels the line go tight and slows to a trot alongside me. This happens repeatedly, him going ahead, and slowing to trot beside me when he feels the line go tight.
I am in effect, running with a yellow, 4 legged, very excitable yo yo. You may have heard of a yo yo trick called walking the dog, but never the other way round. By now, we are in the park proper, and it is quite busy. People are looking on in awe at the sight of this lunatic labrador, bouncing and 'yo yo ing' between the middle aged bald bloke and the full length of the line.
"I could never do that with my dog!" a bemused lady says as we pass her by, my arms flailing for balance, and the golden nugget bounding alongside/ahead, obviously having the time of his life.
"I'm not entirely sure I can do it with mine either" I think to myself.
A small group of 3 or 4 people are ahead of us, talking, and blocking the path. I slow to a trot.
"Whoa Bailey".
At this point, another dog runs behind me, from right to left. Bailey goes to give chase, half wrapping the line around my back as he goes. Luckily, he doesn't pull to hard, and I am able to counteract his movement.
Now, the sensible thing to do here would be to stop, unwrap the line from behind me, reset Bailey and continue.
Yep, the sensible thing.
I choose not to do the sensible thing.
I twirl. Whilst still running.
I Pirouette.
I Pirou...flipping......ette. Darcey Bussell, eat your heart out. And lend me your tutu.
I twirl, land facing exactly the right way, and continue running.
As I approach the group ahead, who are obviously impressed with my nifty little manoeuvre, one of them even comments.
"Nice pirouette love!"
"Thanks!" I gasp as we gallop on by.
2 more dogs appear ahead from nowhere. Baileys head immediately goes up as they catch his attention.
"Go on, keep going, good boy!"
Amazingly, despite his obvious desire to drag me through the trees to join in the fun that the other 2 dogs are having, Bailey continues to run. It is then that I realise that he is pulling.
I let out an over excitable "Good boy!!!"
Bailey immediately turns towards me to collect the pat on the head and general fuss he so richly deserves. My momentum carries me straight passed him, and he rushes around me to catch up, again wrapping the line behind me.
I do it again.
I pirouette. This one even better than the first!
I'm getting good at this!
And so it continues. We yo yo, bounce, run, walk and pirouette our way around the park. But all is good. We are having fun. This is what it is all about.
Now, let us pause a moment to picture the scene. To take stock.
I am attached to nearly 30 kilos of nutty, hyper labrador. The path is very muddy from all the rain we have had, and I am wearing road shoes. I am barely in control of my idiotic self, with the twirling thing I've got going on, never mind the dog!
You can see what's coming, can't you!
Why the heck couldn't I?
I'm not sure of the exact circumstances leading up to it, but the lead gets wrapped around me once again. And I pirouette to untangle it. As I land, facing the right way I hasten to add, my right foot hits a patch of mud, and I begin to lose traction. My upper body starts to travel forward faster than my legs. I open my stride in a pathetic attempt to get my lower half to catch up with my top half. Just when I feel I may be able to save myself, my legs decide they want no further part in this charade, and give up.
I go down. Like a professional footballer in the penalty area. My hands go out in front of me to limit the damage to my face. At least they didn't abandon me in my hour of need. Unlike my legs. I will be having a little chat with them later on.
As I slide to a graceful halt, Baileys immediate reaction is to come bounding up to me, obviously concerned for my welfare, beating me about the head with his tail.
"Ohmygoddadyouvefallenoverareyoualrightareyousureyouralrightpleasesaysomethinganything!!!"
He then proceeds to trample on a part of my anatomy where you just don't want to be trampled.
I let out a "Uggghhhhnnnnnnffffffffffffffaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhh".
I cough, and slowly roll over on to my side to prevent any further damage from The Golden Gonad Crusher.
I eventually
"It's all right Bailey I am fine".
Unconvinced, he continues to fuss all around me, giving me a quick once over to make sure I really am OK.
Well at least he didn't come to any harm.
Suddenly aware that this is a public place, I hastily look around for observers.
I got away with it. Nobody around to witness my sorry demise.
I pick myself up, double check everything about me is roughly where it should be, and continue the run.
When the line wraps around me again, I stop, step over the it to unwrap myself from it, and carry on.
As we near the end of the run, Bailey appears to be pulling a little more consistently. The initial excitement, having subsided, he seemed to start to understand what I wanted him to do.
Either that, or he was deliberately keeping his distance, so if I did take another dive, I didn't inadvertently use him to break my fall.
Now you have read all that, go back and re-read my opening sentence.
I hate to say I told you so but......................
Next - We borrow a friend to chase, take photos and use to help us stop!
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